Ramblings.

My leaf has slowly been turning over. I can see color again rather than black and white. I have been a little stressed only because I don't know which path to choose for my schooling for Esthetician. Everything is either too expensive or out of state. I would love to go out of state but my problem is that I don't have the money to buy a house or even an apartment.

But the love thing, that I have ever so clearly stated that I don't believe in has turned a leaf over too.

I re-read a message from my ex of a couple months ago. Who stated that he wanted to give me hope in "good and honest" men out there. Those were his intentions when dating me because he knew I didn't like guys so much and that I labeled every guy as an asshole.

I would've married this certain man. He is what every girl dreams of. It didn't work between us, sadly, for he is going into service. I totally respect him for making that decision of not being selfish towards me. In fact, I was being selfish towards him. His job is dangerous, no life insurance, no health insurance, and if he died, it would've killed me and it still would kill me knowing such a great guy was taken away. And he said he felt that would've been selfish on his part to have a lover back at home whom he left behind. He made an un-selfish, possibly unwanted move to no longer be with me because of his future. I respect him so much for that move, even if I already fell for him now and I am hurt over it, imagine being with him longer and my love growing stronger. It would have tripled my pain.

Pathetically said, I always have this wish that I make on 11:11 that maybe in the future we will meet again and start where we left off. Am I dreaming too hard? Possibly, but dreams do come true. Even though the time being that he will be gone, I might have met someone and he might have met someone. But you never know. Life has its surprises at times. That is being said, if he would even want to start where we left off.

I have a smile again, I have faith again that I will come across a lovely man like him one day. Maybe not now, maybe not 10 years from now (oh jeez that seems long) but I will find him. I have to, I mean many people have found the person they love and want to be with forever. I am young, I realize that, I have my whole life to look for him. And I am not going to give up on searching. You have to work for what you want. You have to be patient. You have to dream. If you don't believe in it, then you will never achieve it.